Juan Jose, The Luckiest Baby

Juan Jose, 3lb 2oz. First week at Casa Shalom

Tough. Depressing. Exhausting. Hurtful. Rough. 

Is how this past few months have been. We lost two babies in a two month period. It was more than a struggle watching our babies suffer and fight for their life. For weeks I visited our baby Juan Jose in the ICU. Before entering I would have to sit in my car, take deep breaths and convince myself I could handle it that day. The smells, the sight of blood and needles, the crying parents begging for God’s grace, the extreme helpless situations the babies and children were all in fighting for their lives. I’ve always been queasy at the sight of blood or needles and now I found myself in a Guatemalan ICU surrounded by babies hooked up to I.V.s, blood transfusions, life support etc. Hence the reason why I prayed really hard before entering so I could be given the strength to be what Juan Jose needed me to be.  And at that moment I needed to be his person.  However that looked. At times it felt like a mom, at times an orphanage supervisor, but always his person. 

Many times I would need to leave the room because I could feel my face go white and I began sweating profusely.  It was maddening. I wanted to be in there with him, talk to him, sing to him, let him know he’s not alone. But then at the same moment I could feel the internal battle of me fighting off the feelings of dizziness and sickness.  

Hope. We all need it. We have to have it. If we can't seem to find it, we have to search for it. I searched for my hope every day this past two months. 

The doctor would tell me not so promising news and I searched to find hope. Juan Jose needed for me to have hope for him. If you lose hope you’ve already lost the battle. I didn’t want to lose this battle.  Until I did. I knew. I found myself praying, begging, for God to take Juan Jose. That may sound harsh but it’s honest and real. I could see my 6 month old, 8lb something baby boy suffering and I hated it. He was always such a fighter. From the day he was born at 1lb he starting fighting. When his mom abandoned him at the hospital he fought. When he was burdened with is illness he fought. I never knew how much strength an 8 lb baby could have. But now he was suffering more than he should ever have to suffer. I found myself crying over his weak and swollen body yelling at God. “Take him. Take him now. He is YOUR child first, then ours. Take him Lord.”  Of course I didn’t want Juan Jose to die, but I wanted him to be healthy, be peaceful. Maybe I should have been praying for God to do a miracle. I did. For weeks. Every day I prayed that God would allow Juan Jose to stay with us longer. But the day he went to be with the Lord I was no longer praying for God to let us have him longer. I begged God to take him. Knowing that he would be held by his father without IV’s, ventilators, nurses, and rounds of medicine being pumped into his small little body. He could smile and laugh again. To think about this gave me such joy. I think as Juan Jose’s person he would want me to want him to be happy, even if the very thing that was the best for him was the worse for us.

I said goodbye to Juan Jose for the last time as he laid in his beautiful silk white casket. In Guatemala, they always bury children in white caskets, as a symbol of purity.  He was dressed in a little suit and he looked so handsome. We had a service for him at the orphanage so his Casa Shalom family could say goodbye. All 100 brothers and sisters, along with his wonderful house mothers passed by and laid hands on his casket to say their last words. It was a beautiful service. I was thankful that during such a difficult, emotion filled moment we could all be together as a family to say goodbye and thank the Lord for giving us Juan Jose for the time that he did. It was also a time for our littlest children to learn about God and death. 

I held one of my little girls, Maggie. She’s 5 and still doesn’t understand the concept of dying. When children don’t understand, they ask the most innocent of questions that can’t help but put a smile on your face at such a difficult time. Maggie looked up at me and asked, “Are we going to take him to Heaven?”  Another 5 year old boy with a concerned look on his face asked, “Can our baby breathe in that little box(casket)?”  Even through the toughest times, God gives us moments to smile and to teach about His goodness. That was one of those moments!

As we sang my little Maggie looked at me and asked me why I was crying. I told her I was crying because I was sad that baby Juan Jose died.  Confused and looking around the room she said, “Everyone is crying.”  I think the 5 year old was just trying to understand it all. Truth is, we all were. Then in a little whisper she looked at me with honest, teary eyes and said, “Tia JJ (Aunt JJ), I’m crying now too.” She rested her head on my shoulder and began to cry.  

5 months, 8 lbs

July 2nd, 2014 our sweet baby Juan Jose became the luckiest baby.  He got to meet our Lord and Savior. I’m thankful for the moments God placed me in his life to be his person. I’m thankful that I have God’s joy, His hope, and Philippians 4:7, “Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live    in Christ Jesus.” 

We miss you Juan Jose, but I know I’ll see you again someday. And that makes your person so happy.